The Stomach Noises

I am always hungry.

Each day, around 11:00, I just get ravenous. Reminds me of someone...

Winnie the Pooh.
How well we relate. 

To make matters even better, my stomach reminds everyone of this in loud, vibrating, squeals. Despite all efforts to prevent this, it happens at the most embarrassing and unavoidable moments. It is impossible to hide. Everyone within a 8 foot radius hears it. Sometimes, they pretend to ignore it. Other times, they turn around in alarm wondering what skyscraper is being sawed down... I try to join them in their confusion, looking around wildly as my stomach rumbles.

I honestly don't get it! Never, in my entire life, has the opportunity to heartily eat at 11:00 ever been an option... yet, for some reason, my body (like a hobbit) seems to think that it's going to get fed at that time. And when it doesn't happen, like our dear Sister Katy Perry says, you're gonna hear me roaaaaaarrrr!


With that lovely, TMI back story... compound that with the fact that some part of church ALWAYS is in session at 11:00 on Sundays.

Plus I'm in a singles ward (more on THAT later).

Need I say more? Even blinking is audible during those Sacrament Meetings. There is no sound-camouflage in a singles ward. While the general whisper of children or coughs from the elderly are universally accepted background babble in a family/normal ward, such noises are ENTIRELY ABSENT in the singles ward.

Like the rhythmic tick of stilettos through an empty cathedral, so is the clicking of a pen to mark a scripture.
Like a tsunami crashing an island beach, so is turning on a drinking fountain to quench thirst.
Like a sander smoothing out a wooden plank, so is adjusting in a seat.
Like a brass band warming up for a concert, so is blowing one's nose during a lesson.
Like the rumble of an avalanche atop Mount Everest, so does Linda's stomach speak in Sacrament Meeting. 

Today's church was no different. I serenaded all around me with the 'non-disruptive' gurgling sounds of hunger. No amount of ab-flexing can muffle the echoes in that silent room... What could be a wonderful moment of reverence is marred by the collective agreement of my organs to demand FOOD immediately.

Sshhh! If you listen closely, you can hear them:

"Do you hear the fundus sing? Singing the song of angry cells. It is the music of a stomach who will not be starved again!"

Les Gastros

But, don't worry, church is not the only place it happens! Basically, anywhere the atmosphere is supposed to be calm, serene, silent, or respectful... You can always count on me to disturb the peace.

School tests. 

Interviews.

Temple sessions.

Work meetings. 

Weddings.

You know... I wonder, if it happens often enough, if people will start to bring me snacks... ?

Hmm. Well, there is a potential solution. :) 

#willbesilencedforfood

Meanwhile, if you do have the misfortune to sit next to me during Sacrament Meeting, or any quiet meeting for that matter, please allow me to apologize... It's just that I'm feeling a little eleven o'clockish.

Photo cred: Pinterest

You know what I need? A child, so I can sneak some Cheerios into the meetings... Those diaper bags are like Red Cross packages for a hungry adult.